Zen and White Noise

Dear Ms. Catherine White,

Humility is a caution-deserving and dangerous thing. I have constantly found myself stretching my humble actions to the point of hyperbole because I’ve been bound by pride. Growing up, I had issues with insecurity; I grew up very feminine and very sheltered. When I got to high school, I drowned my insecurity with profanity and haughtiness. I felt like, in doing this, I would overstep my insecurities because I seemed “better than everybody”.

Instead, I gained 150 pounds from emotional eating in order to help stomach my insecurities. Obviously, it didn’t work.

So, now I am a freshman in college, and I just… I don’t act haughty or self-centered. I’m not doing it for any type of glory or honor or whatever. I dunno. I’ve found this is effective. I just “be who I be”. I don’t set standards, I don’t try and compensate. I just do what I consider to be “good” because there is either “good” or “bad” or somewhere in between.

Now, that being said, I have to provide a disclaimer: actively practicing humility is a wonderful thing, Catherine. I want you to know that I think NO MATTER the intention, your actions are the things people notice.

I’m not taking God into account in this response.

If you do something generous or humble for somebody else: you just do it. People thank you, and you move on. Your intention cannot be “oh, I need to do something Godly”. I don’t believe that being humble is Godly. God is not humble. He’s very proud of what He’s actualized; and, when he’s mad at something, he destroys it or drowns it. ;) But, that’s not really the point. The point is: humility is a Human emotion and Humility is an action. It’s about connecting with people and sharing love and fellowship. It’s physical, real. Doing for others because you’d want them to do the same for you, and peace is better than war, and if you’re nice to somebody maybe they won’t do drugs, or maybe they’ll find Jesus, or maybe they’ll pray more… that is the reason. Your actions help the Universe become a better place. Intentions or not, you’ve achieved a standard MANY people do not have. I have done some pretty shitty stuff in my life. I’ve cheated, lied, stolen, hurt (verbally), and done many nasty things to people. I believe in Karma, and I believe in the power of pain. I think Love creates pain and Hate creates pain. I believe that Love begets happiness and Hate can beget happiness. Emotions are relative and people are subjective. But, the things that you do affect people. You influence them. You act in concert with the will of the Universe and God and everything. Everything has a motive and reason. You provide that motive and reason, but in the end, its not all that important. You are a part of a “closed system”, to quote Physics.

Your internal thoughts are secondary to your actions. Yet, when you give meaning to your intentions, you breathe life into failure. What do you want as a person? Do you want to let your intentions bar you from doing good? I hope not. I hope you find that it is OK to do Good for Goodness’ sake. Again, qualifying, there is NOTHING wrong with doing Good for God’s sake, or Man’s sake, or Hell’s sake, for WHOMEVER’s sake. It’s just “good”.

Don’t beat yourself up. You are human. You are not for this world, and it is just something to work on, not to look down upon.

Just how I feel,

Love,

Connor.

1. What do you do when life hands you too much,

When you reach out and grab hold of nothing,

When you constantly find yourself not doing the thing you planned?

When does life become a plan? When does a plan become concrete? Even concrete was once malleable.

Concrete can still be broken.

2. What do you do when life hands you the biggest stress you’ve ever tasted,

When the mouth bleeds profanities,

When the stress is too much to clot?

When does life become your life? When does your life become hell? Even hell was once in heaven.

Hell can still be avoided.

3. What do you do when life is breathing down your neck,

When the ghostly voice chills your spine,

When you’re petrified of yourself?

When does life become scary? When does scary become truth? Even truth was once a thought, unexpressed.

Truth can still be created any way you choose.

Create your own miracle, and stop letting the Universe decide who you are.

Spirituality and art are not mutually exclusive at all. In fact, I think that is the issue I have with most religions. They teach conformity to reach a path that should be defined by the self.